Bring Sex Back Into Your Relationship With Sensate Focusing – Introduction
Long-term relationships go through a honeymoon period and with that comes a reduction in sex time and activity. This loss of sexual satisfaction can create anxiety and dissatisfaction in the relationship for both partners. But a well-understood, well-tested approach called sensate focusing can help couples reconnect with sex and start the partnership off again.
Sensate Focusing: What is it?
Sensate focusing is a set of prescribed exercises created by the sex therapists William H Masters and Virginia E Johnson, designed to allow couples to reconnect with their bodies (and their partners’ bodies). The process places a greater emphasis on touch and feel, and couples can explore one another without the threat of sexual performance or orgasm. The objective is to shift the emphasis away from the outcome (orgasm) and towards the experience (gratification and connection) and foster communication, trust and vulnerability.
The Stages of Sensate Focusing:
First Stage: Nondemand Pleasure
Nondemand pleasure is the initial phase of this process by which intimacy is built without demand or pressure. At this stage, partners engage in non-genital touch. The sexual partner touches his or her partner, free of the normal preconditions of sexual stimulation. Interest and connection were seen as an essential catalyst at this point. Here the couples move hands in turn, paying attention to sensations and transitions, as well as the verbal and non-verbal signals by the client.
While the touching partner detects sensations and feelings, transmitting back what is pleasurable and what is unpleasant, the touch partner is urged to explore with passive interest. Such an easiness will, over time, clear the way for an open relationship. Here, it is intended to induce relaxation in anticipation of consolation and confidence.
Stage Two: Demand Pleasure
When the foundation is in place at the first level, then, in the second level, pleas for enjoyment are made by the couple. Genital touch occurs again in the second phase, with a key difference: there is no need for orgasm at this stage. There will be more exploration and conversation, and by now, the genitals are available for couples to touch.
It promotes openness between the two partners regarding preferences, limits, and emotions. Couples learn to say what they and their partner don’t want when they attempt this experiment with each other in an unthreatening setting. Listening in without climax allows couples to cultivate a keen sense of their bodies and enhance understanding between each other.
Stage Three: Intercourse Without Orgasm
The third phase involves orgasm-free intercourse, this time using a clear framework of transmission and linkage. This phase is still more communication and experience than action. It is here that one experiences intimacy.
For women, clitoral stimulation can be added at this point to provide further pleasure that can result in orgasm. The idea is not to push expectations up, but to push the importance of connection and knowledge in sex. It also guides couples to communicate about what is exciting them, keeping intimacy wide open and increasing trust.
Stage Four: Intercourse With Orgasm
But at last, at the end of the sensate focusing trip, we have the ultimate phase, the orgasm. Now, more than ever, both parties are encouraged to be more explicit about their requirements and desires. This phase is the stage where sex does, in fact, yield mutual enjoyment and pleasure.
By this point, the relationship would have grown to an inner level where lovers understand each other’s bodies and desires. Unstuck communication on this level is key because this is vital to the process of allowing partners to actually talk about sexual desires and how they can walk the road to enjoyable orgasms together. It’s a conversation that enhances not just the physical experience, but also the relationship between two individuals.
Benefits of Sensate Focusing:
Enhanced Communication
Perhaps the most important effect of sensate focusing is the enhanced ability to communicate between partners. The ritual invites people to talk honestly about needs, wants and boundaries. The openness and trust of this dialogue provides a space for both spouses to say what’s enjoyable and what’s not. When couples are able to communicate how they feel and what they want, they are more in tune with each other’s lives, which fosters empathy and strengthens the relationship.
Reconnecting Through Sensuality
Couples can become estranged, disconnected, and lose touch in the throes of the day-to-day. Sensate focusing reconnects partners with touch and presence, encouraging them to touch each other’s bodies and emotions in a way that feels not performance-driven. Couples can restart their erotic bond by turning their attention away from sex and refocusing on touch. Through this mindfulness practice, they are able to make intentional moments of closeness that intensify their emotional connection and improve their relationship satisfaction.
Alleviating Sexual Anxiety
For many people, sex is fraught with anxiety and insecurity due to social pressures and personal expectations. Sensate focusing solves this problem particularly well, by shifting away from the need to succeed and towards focusing instead on enjoyment and connection. It makes partners think about what feels good and, in doing so, helps alleviate performance anxiety and creates a relaxed sexual space. Couples who participate in this self-aware experience of sex will be increasingly feeling more at home in their own skin, and thus have a healthier sexual relationship.
Addressing Common Sexual Issues
Sensate focusing has also been used to assist couples with a variety of sexual problems that can occur during a relationship. Common issues, like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and orgasm failure, can put partners at a disadvantage. Through sensate focusing, couples can explore these issues in gentle, unforced, supportive ways. This focus on enjoyment over adulation makes it easier for couples who might otherwise experience shame or embarrassment about their sex lives. The treatment can result in breakthroughs, better understanding and better sexual functioning for both partners.
Conclusion: Bring Sex Back Into Your Relationship With Sensate Focusing
Sensate focusing is an ideal method for couples who wish to resume sex and bring intimacy back to the relationship. By prioritising feelings, communication and trust, couples can re-build their relationship while addressing any sexual tension. In doing so through the systematic stages of sensate focusing, couples will have a better sex life, feel more in touch, and feel more content in their relationship.
