How Much Sex ‘Should’ You Be Having? – Introduction
When it comes to sex, we have a script that society wants us to buy into: a narrative about how much of it is “normal” or “healthy.” But sex is also an intimate affair, and what is acceptable for one person or couple might not be acceptable for another. In this post, I discuss factors affecting sexual frequency, communication and the importance of quality over quantity in intimacy.
The Myth of a “Normal” Frequency
The belief that there’s some set amount of sex everyone needs to be having is a cultural myth rooted in stereotypes and anecdotal evidence. Most estimates indicate that the average sexually active adult has sex once a week or several times a month, though numbers are highly variable. According to the National Health and Social Life Survey, most couples experience sex when they want and do not have to follow any specific guidelines.
But, of course, sexual frequency depends on many variables, including age, marriage, life experiences, and what people are looking for. It’s about being compatible with your partner, not about following a numerical metric.
Factors Influencing Sexual Frequency
There are several factors that influence how often a couple has sex:
Age: The Impact of Time
One of the biggest predictors of sexual frequency is age. In the long run, research reveals that younger couples have more sex. This can increase the desire for intimacy because new relationships seem to be more exciting, fresh, and excited. But as people get older, other influences influence the number of times that you have sex.
Physical wellbeing generally degrades with age, resulting in lower libido, erectile dysfunction for men, or uneasy sex for women. In addition, as obligations and priorities change (eg, job obligations, parenthood) couples may have less time and energy for sex, and thus sexual activity may decrease.
Relationship Stage: The Cycle of Passion
It depends on the stage of a relationship, which in turn is the most important factor in deciding sex frequency. In the early stages of a relationship, two people can become caught up in the excitement and novelty. This “honeymoon phase” is often marked by frequent sexual activity as lovers get to know each other better and build their emotional intimacy.
Throughout life, sex intensity might settle or decline as relationships develop. Context diminishes enthusiasm, and outside forces such as daily challenges or life transitions can overshadow intimate relationships. This shift can be seen as a downside, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with knowing that secure and satisfying intimacy takes many different forms as the relationship matures, with greater focus on emotional connection rather than physicality.
Life Circumstances: Beyond the Bedroom
Societal conditions can drastically impact sexual frequency. Working hours, bills and family responsibilities often consume a couple’s time and energy. Pairs with young children, for instance, might be worn out by the end of the day, making intimacy nearly impossible. Life events, including relocations, job changes or caring for ailing parents, also shake up routines and disrupt sexual relationships.
Furthermore, social expectations and stresses from the workplace and family can deprive individuals of time for themselves and their intimacy. Couples have to be able to deal with these things on their own and keep communication going so that sex stays at the forefront even when the rest of life interferes.
Health: The Body-Mind Connection
Sexual performance and libido depend upon both physical and mental health. Sex is often deficient due to chronic illness, hormonal shifts and the side effects of certain drugs. Diabetes, cardiovascular disease and hormonal imbalances can alter the body’s physiological responses to sexual activity, reducing a partner’s capacity for close encounters.
Equally important is mental wellbeing; stress, anxiety and depression can dramatically reduce libido and prevent transparent communication about sexual desires. Couples need to know about these conditions, and create an environment in which they are able to talk through any physical or emotional difficulties they might be experiencing.
Personal Desires: The Role of Individual Preferences
Personal arousal preferences influence sexual activity. Every single person brings their own set of experiences, values and expectations to a relationship that affect the amount of sex we want. It’s also important to have open dialogue so that partners can voice their needs and determine where they differ.
Knowing what each other wants will create a happier sexual relationship. Tolerating differences in sex frequency requires honest conversation about intimacy, a discussion about what one other wants, and willingness to change in response to one another.
The Importance of Communication
Open communication is one of the most essential components to a healthy sexual relationship. Having conversations about wishes, dreams, even mishaps, will make for a more satisfying sexual life for you and your partner. We need to communicate what’s good, what’s bad, and how often each partner wants to have sex.
In-depth discussions of sex needs and satisfaction can encourage emotional closeness, improving the relationship. Both partners should seek the kind of balance that is both comfortable and gratifying for both of them without giving into external demands or comparisons.
Quality Over Quantity
Others may care about the amount of sex, but the experience itself matters. An enjoyable sexual experience is far more important than the number of times it takes place. What determines quality are emotional attachment, compatibility, and a sense of what’s in common.
In a committed relationship, nurturing intimacy through non-sexual displays of love such as cuddling, date nights or play dates can enhance sex. The relational attachment you develop while you’re together will inevitably translate into a better sex experience no matter how many times they have it.
Conclusion: How Much Sex ‘Should’ You Be Having?
In the end, there’s no right or wrong answer to “How much sex should you be getting?” Every single person and couple needs to decide on their individual wants and needs. Don’t fixate on the frequency – put your priorities on open communication and physical closeness in order to have a fulfilling, healthy sexual relationship. Remember that it’s about you and your partner figuring things out together, not about comparing yourself to anyone else or what everyone else is doing. Enjoy your sex life, and do what you both find fulfilling in the relationship.
