Sexual Gaslighting Is a Thing (and How to Identify It)

Sexual gaslighting is manipulation and abuse aimed at manipulating one’s sense of what it is to have sex, what it wants, and what it’s allowed to do. It is a subtle and pernicious kind of emotional abuse that can have devastating impacts on one’s self-worth, psychological stability and health. Upon becoming aware of sexual gaslighting and knowing how to spot its symptoms, victims can start to heal and reclaim control over their lives. In this essay, I am going to discuss what sexual gaslighting is, what are its symptoms, and how you can heal and recover from it.

Section 1: Understanding Sexual Gaslighting

Gaslighting – a tactic employed by abusers to disempower their victims, provoking them to doubt their own reason, memory and senses. Sexual gaslighting is a variant of this coercive approach that revolves around one’s sexual experiences, tastes and limits. The abused may deny, minimise or distort the survivor’s experience and make them doubt their own judgment, emotions and body.

Section 2: The Warning Signs of Sexual Gaslighting

1. Denial of Past Conversations or Agreements

The typical strategy used by sexual abusers is a reversal of previous talk about sexual boundaries or desires. The victim may simply insist that no such conversation took place, or allege that the survivor was misinterpreting or misremembering the dialogue. This gaslighting strategy not only delegitimises the survivor’s experience, but also leaves the survivor confused and uneasy. The victim might begin to doubt her memory and perceptions, further imposing the power of the abuser.

2. Undermining the Survivor’s Feelings and Experiences

Abusers dismiss or minimize the survivor’s sexual urges, feelings or boundaries, dismissing them as trivial, irrelevant or “crazy.” By dismissing survivors’ desires, experiences and boundaries, abusers can leave survivors feeling embarrassed or vindicated and unable to speak out. By demeaning, the abuser reinforces their hegemony and induces an emotional climate in which the survivor is deprived of any agency to speak up or vent.

3. Blaming the Survivor for the Abuser’s Actions

A second hallmark of sexual gaslighting is when the abuser blames the survivor for their wrong or offensive action. Words such as “You pushed me around” or “You coerced me” are employed to make the survivor feel that they are responsible for the abuse they suffered. Such blame-shifting creates a fantasy in which the abuser holds no responsibility and the survivor carries a wretched guilt and shame.

4. Minimizing the Severity of Sexual Abuse or Harassment

Sexual abusers might also muddle the extent of their misconduct, trivialising the survivor’s experience of sexual abuse or harassment. They might assume the survivor is reacting too strongly or being too sensitive, negating the affective and psychological effects of abuse. Such minimisation renders survivors powerless to voice their concern or ask for help.

5. Isolating the Survivor from Friends and Support Systems

Isolation is the hallmark of abusive relationships. The abuser can try to impose their will on the survivor, shutting him or her off from friends, family or other possible outlets for acceptance and validation. This estrangement serves the abuser’s interest in maintaining control by keeping the survivor from discussing their experiences or seeking help and external insight. The victim may grow increasingly isolated and thus subject to continued manipulation.

6. Threats or Intimidation

And, last but not least, threats or intimidation are potent sources of control for sexual gaslighting. A victim might use fear to try to stop her from telling others about her experiences, or expressing concern. These threats are either verbal or written but have essentially the same effect: they silence the survivor and leave her in the grip of the abuser, where they only manipulate and control.

Section 3: Strategies for Healing and Recovery

Healing from sexual gaslighting takes many different steps including recovering self-worth, redefining personal boundaries and seeking advice from others you trust. Here are some ways to heal and recover:

Validate Your Emotions and Experiences

To overcome sexual gaslighting in the first place is to own one’s emotions and experiences. That is, to listen to your gut and recognise that what you are feeling is real and significant. This validation helps to weaken the gaslighter’s bogus narratives. Having validation from close friends, family or even a psychotherapist can help hold you in place during the difficult moments. Your life is full of these people who believe in and care about you, and that can give you a confidence boost.

Reconnect with Your Support Network

The feelings of loneliness usually accompany gaslighting, so it’s time to rejoin your community. Maintain a connection-more importantly, restore contact-with people who can relate to you. Whether they’re friends or family members, or support groups where you can have an open forum to talk about your experiences, reaching out to these networks can provide a great source of emotional validation and support. Through empathic interaction with others, you can openly communicate your feelings without judgment and establish an atmosphere of recovery.

The ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

Recovery, in a way, is an attempt to return your body and your experience. Healthy boundaries are a strong, healthy step in restoring agency. Clearly articulating what you need and want, and getting your needs and wants fulfilled, promotes positive self-esteem and agency. This might mean looking over relationships again and figuring out which are relationships that nourish you and give you the support you need and which are relationships that harm your recovery. Boundaries are not only shields but also a claim to your dignity.

Seek Professional Help or Counselling

If you involve an expert mental health care practitioner, it will radically alter the playing field of your recovery. Those who specialize in emotional abuse and trauma therapy may have specific coping strategies and techniques for surviving sexual gaslighting. The therapy provides the safe space to process one’s thoughts, emotions and experiences and educate on self-esteem therapy, healthy ways of interacting with others. The approaches of CBT and trauma-based treatments have proved remarkably successful.

Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion

It is necessary to be extraordinarily kind to yourself and to show kindness towards your recovery. It nourishes perseverance by tracking physical, emotional and psychological progress. Engage in whatever feels good to you, whether it is hobbies, exercise, mindfulness or being in the outdoors. To show yourself compassion is to give yourself the attention you would show a friend. Know that healing is not immediate, and that patience with oneself is an ongoing requirement.

Seek Legal Assistance If Necessary

Legal advice is highly encouraged where sexual gaslighting has resulted in non-consensual sexual conduct or illegal conduct. An attorney can tell you what to do and how to fight for justice and protection. That’s okay because this will make it more concrete, and it could also be an affirming act for you to take back your story of suffering and make it into a move that can launch a much larger societal debate around these issues.

Conclusion: Sexual Gaslighting Is a Thing (and How to Identify It)

Sexual gaslighting is a form of emotional violence that can seriously harm a survivor’s psychological wellbeing, self-worth and well-being. When survivors know the signs of sexual gaslighting, they can heal and reclaim their lives. Getting help, confirming their emotions, setting boundaries and taking care of themselves are all critical to recovery and coping. Always keep in mind that it’s a way to heal and get help is the first step towards reclaiming your power and your life.